Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
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Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*