Are you a cat person or a person person?
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Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
She puts the hot in psychotic
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on