are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky