Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
