Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors