Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.


My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake


Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.


Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.


it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk


When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor


Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.


Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.


My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.


Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”