Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
How dramatic are you?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”