Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.