@obviousplant_

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

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@MrsGoose69

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

@iwearaonesie

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

@TheWadest

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

@RickAaron

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

@JeffLoveness

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

@dorsalstream

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

@lmegordon

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

@badbanana

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

@KellyMeldrum

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.