Are you dating a bunch of bees?

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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.


me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*


Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”


Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.


“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.


to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors


ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!


I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.


When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.


I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.