Are you dating a bunch of bees?
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Nice try Hitler
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…