“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
You Might Also Like
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?