@iwearaonesie

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

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@kendragaylord

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

@david8hughes

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

@BuckyIsotope

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

@ThisLocalHater

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

@masiragz

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

@mommajessiec

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

@CynicalTherapi1

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.