@iwearaonesie
@kendragaylord [Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
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@kendragaylord 
@david8hughes [first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
@OhNoSheTwitnt Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
@BuckyIsotope “What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
@ThisLocalHater This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
@masiragz covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
@Death_Buddy Weighing up my bread heating options
@mommajessiec I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
@CynicalTherapi1 As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
@smilely_gal Attention children:
Mom is closed.