Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time