Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.