– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
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30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored