“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋