“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Noah
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.