“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?