Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.