“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I love you to the refrigerator and back
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
#Caturday