Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
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Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Most fashion shows these days…
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me too door. Me too.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together