“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Duck typos.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”