“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
You Might Also Like
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry