“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
When they try to steal your moment.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?