“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
broke down and did it
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?