Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

be careful

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.