“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity