Are you ok, human???
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’