“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You Might Also Like
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
This is my brand.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
just make the entire table out of coaster
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me