“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
how much for the angry fruit?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila