@iscoff

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

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@bobvulfov

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

@MarfSalvador

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@batkaren

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

@david8hughes

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

@st__arving

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@vtbee80

no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed

@DaddyJew

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for