“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?