“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
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If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Anime is real
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
yeah not falling for this one
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]