“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat鈥檚 food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 馃槀
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don鈥檛 stop, I will.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 馃拃
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw