“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?