“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice