Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen