Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.