“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
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No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor