are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
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DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.