“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Gods work.