Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
This guy’s not having it 😆
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”