Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
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[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Thursday
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.