Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
“A little help here, Danny?”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
lol
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
The news is so predictable nowadays
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!