@vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

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@OfHella

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

@noog

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

@wildethingy

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

@rebexxxxa

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

@GhostOfTrickyD

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.