– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.