Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Real House Wines.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”