Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.