Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.


*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*


That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt


I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.


Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.


“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.


Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting


Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.