Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.


I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.


HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.


can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture


Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.


I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.


My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….


People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!


*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*