@dave_cactus

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

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@GoldenSpirals

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

@Dawn_M_

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@coolauntV

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

@Donna_McCoy

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

@leechee420

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

@SteveKoehler22

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

@MarchForScience

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

@GrabTheWEness

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*