@GoldenSpirals Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
@dave_cactus Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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@GoldenSpirals 
@somecleverthing Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
@Dawn_M_ I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
@Jake_Vig HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
@coolauntV can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
@Donna_McCoy Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
@leechee420 I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
@SteveKoehler22 My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
@MarchForScience People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
@GrabTheWEness *posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*