@weinerdog4life Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
@dave_cactus Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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@weinerdog4life 
@Lisa_Laughs_ Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
@NoorShamma You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
@Hobo_Splendido I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
@DocBrown21 Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
@Brianhopecomedy Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
@OuterJohn Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
@noog I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
@StruggleDisplay “It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-