Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.


You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.


I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”


Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…


Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.


Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.


I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.


“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-