Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
we’re dead?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no