@dave_cactus

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

You Might Also Like

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

@NoorShamma

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

@Hobo_Splendido

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

@DocBrown21

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

@Brianhopecomedy

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

@OuterJohn

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

@noog

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

@StruggleDisplay

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-