Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*