aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You can’t rush stupid.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Tuesday
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
According to math, I’m broke
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”