@Smug_Lemur

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

@dankgdl

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

@_SetTheHook_

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

@TheRobCee

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

@DoubtTommy

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

@TweetsByTheTony

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.