Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.


Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!


Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.


[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!


Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.


[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*


What the — a Luigi Board?!



Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.