[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*pokes sex life with a stick
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged