Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
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Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”