Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*