[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
The Sun
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
He’s cranky this morning
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Ferrari squats
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.