Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
You Might Also Like
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me