Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me :
All Day At Night
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
absolutely not
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.