ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
You Might Also Like
We need to put an American base on the sun
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
December birthdays be like…
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.